Changes

My best friend was looking through her old emails and found this rant that i wrote to her ex boyfriend:

I'm feeling much better than I expected to. I feel more weird than I do sad. And the reason for that is that I know that right now isn't the time for a serious relationship. I'm going to have a lot of stuff going on. I'm leaving next week to start a new life practically on my own, I have no idea how hectic school is going to be, or how difficult it would be for either of us to visit each other. I understand that even though its only two hours away it may be difficult to see each other as much as we would like and in order for a relationship to survive you still need to see your significant other often enough. I also know that even though we miss each other and were miserable for a couple of days that we made the right decision for now. We are both young and we realize that we don't need to be tied down when big changes occur. I miss the little things terribly but I know deep in my heart that this is probably for the better. Right now I know that the best thing is just to move on.

I'm happy that we are still good friends. I'm happy that we can talk everyday without feeling awkward. I am glad that even though it's difficult to give up something so wonderful that went on for so long that we are handling it as mature adults.

I guess this is where I should begin my disclaimer. First of all, the person that this is directed to knows who they are. Second, this has nothing to do with her; she didn’t tell me to write it, she didn’t tell me what to write, and she didn’t tell me to be a bitch. So don’t take it out on her. This is all my opinion and my thoughts and since you think you know me so well then this shouldn’t come as a surprise. I know how much you like to analyze things so analyze this.

You have no right to say anything about me or my relationship. The fact of the matter is that you don’t fucking know me. You can’t figure me out by reading what I write on a computer screen. You get so busy trying to figure other people out and you don’t realize that the only person you need to figure out is yourself.

Granted, I don’t exactly know you like the back of my hand either. However, I can tell you what you make yourself out to be. You make yourself seem like an insecure attention whore who is never happy and can’t accept change. You make scenes and push people away. I would give you examples but I don’t want to embarrass you any more than I have to. You make yourself seem uncomfortable in your own skin. Sorry to sound so blunt but I don’t tend to sugar coat things that people need to hear.

I don’t know if you talk shit to feel better about yourself or because you are just an asshole. Or maybe it’s just to get a rise out of her which I would assume doesn’t work in your favor. So let me clarify a few things for you since you seem to be confused.

One, it’s my body I can do whatever the hell I want with it. I did not desecrate my body contrary to what you may believe. If you don’t like it tough I’m not here to impress you and I never asked for your opinion. Besides if you were so uncomfortable to begin with then why did you go? It is beyond me why anyone would go somewhere where they would feel uncomfortable. In fact, in my opinion that just shows weakness and that you would go along with whatever anyone says. So then of course afterwards since you feel uncomfortable you must put on a shit face for the rest of the day. Of course you don’t finish there; you then deem it necessary to talk out of your ass.

Two, you really pushed it with that comment about me liking another guy. If you had any sensitivity whatsoever and weren’t so wrapped up in your own shit then you would know that I never would have done that to Mark. Not only would you put me in a bad position you would also put Matt in a bad position thanks to your false accusations. Luckily for all of us Mark would take my word (as well as hers and Matt’s) over yours any day. You know what, I’m sorry you are heartbroken. I’m sorry it’s so hard for you. However, that doesn’t give you an excuse to make it harder for someone else going through something similar. Just because you are oh so miserable doesn’t mean everyone else has to be too. I’m sorry that it kills you to see other people happy. You’re not the first person with a broken heart and you won’t be the last so get over it.

Now despite everything you just read I think you have the potential of not being so pitiful. In all seriousness, I do really think that deep down you are a good guy. Believe it or not she does care about your well being and she does want to be your friend. Don’t tell me it’s impossible because I can tell you from recent experience that it’s not. You can’t make her have feelings for you. You can’t push her because one day you may just push too hard and you’d regret it. You can’t make scenes because there is only so much of that someone can take. You can’t put your life on hold. You can’t say things just to get a rise out of her, especially if they aren’t true.

The only thing you can do is move on. Figure out how to make yourself happy. Use your energy to gain confidence and become comfortable in your own skin. Go out. Have fun. Don’t dwell on the past.

This may sound really cheesy but just so you know that I don’t hate your guts I’m going to leave you with this quote ,“Living in the past is like driving a car by looking in the rear view mirror” or something like that. And just in case you are wondering, though I had to defend myself this was actually meant to help you.


Its amazing how things change. I wrote that almost 2 years ago but it seems much longer. Several drunken nights, some cigarettes, a ridiculous amount of work, new friends, new boyfriend, great memories, an emotional rollercoaster and some newfound independence later and it would seem that I am a completely different person. College has taught me that that the best education you are going to get isn't from sitting in a classroom listening to a professor talk. Instead, the best education is from experience. School of life bitches.